The Shadows of Loneliness
Let’s be honest. It’s scary to talk about loneliness. Maybe because it stems back to our insecure days of middle school cliques and the desire to have a full social calendar. Perhaps because it can make you sound needy in a way that you’ve never been before, and you cringe at the idea of being needy. Or maybe it’s scary because talking about loneliness reinforces your false beliefs that you are unlovable, unnecessary, and unwanted.
I think the problem of loneliness is exponentially worse since the dawn of social media. Social media displays a filtered view of people’s “rose-colored” lives that are often a smoke-screen for what they are really experiencing and feeling. I have found that the loneliest people often have the most posts on Facebook and Instagram pictures filled with parties, people, and momentary fun. In the same way that you can be lonely in a room full of people, you can also be lonely when your tweet is trending on Twitter and you have the most likes on Facebook.
One of my favorite things about my profession is that people welcome you in to places of hurt and vulnerability that they often keep hidden from others. One of those places that I get invited in to most often is the feeling of loneliness. I have found that it is pervasive among every age group, gender, race, profession, and personality type that I’ve worked with.
Loneliness can look like sitting by yourself each night binging on Netflix, but it can also look like evenings filled with social events and surface level relationships. Regardless of what loneliness looks like, the desire to be loved and have deep relationships will still be there when that longing goes unmet. Unfortunately, it often goes unseen by the people who love us most because it is a difficult topic to bring up.
Loneliness may be a symptom of a bigger problem that needs professional attention like depression or social anxiety, but other times it is simply a hard season of life. The problem with loneliness is that the sadness and hurt that comes along with it will often make you less motivated to spend the energy required to make new connections and deepen current relationships.
Loneliness is a sad emotion for people to sit with because it forces us to ask questions that are both uncomfortable and crucial to our humanity: Am I loveable? Am I loved? Am I making a difference in the world? Am I seen and known? Do I matter?
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, these are important questions to answer. Spend time journaling and thinking about them. Talk to a trusted friend, a spouse, a family member, or a counselor. Acknowledge the feeling of loneliness. Instead of hiding at home or falsely portraying your own popularity, you can start spending more energy on recognizing your own value and finding other people who see that value too. A good place to start is by evaluating your current circles of friends, family members, and acquaintances. Are there people that are in your circles that you want to reconnect with? Acquaintances you don’t know well that have potential to be good friends? Are there people you know who may be struggling with loneliness as well and would want an opportunity to connect? Once you have identified people you want to invest in, try different ways to connect, plan times to hang-out, and intentionally work on those relationships.
When your current circle of friends is smaller than you’d like, you may need to think outside of the box for ways of building community and connecting with people. An easy way to start building relationships is by joining groups who meet regularly and have the same interests as you (examples: running club, church group, painting classes, the gym).
Loneliness is hard, but sometimes taking a few small steps towards people is all you need to do to feel a little less alone.
